My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
