So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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