I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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