Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
