dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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