proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
