Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
