new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
