She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
