I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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