A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
