I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
