Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
