Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
