1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
