fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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