I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
