Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
