Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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