ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
