Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
there is glitter all over my balls
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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