If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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