He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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