its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
