There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
