bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
