insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
