i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
