Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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