My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
sarcasm needs its own font
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
