Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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