3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I look excited, but its just a facade.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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