My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
