just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
