Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
