is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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