Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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