I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
i out mim tonsoeep
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