From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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