in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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