there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Randomize
