i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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