2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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