even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
