so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
