I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
