He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Randomize
