I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
