I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
We are two peas in an std pod
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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