lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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