covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I need to stop coming to work sober
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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