i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
