I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
