yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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