I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
